All of us want to be able to say that we’re “happily married.” Whether you’re currently married, engaged or still waiting on God to bring you a spouse, a happy marriage is the goal for most of us. However, marriage isn’t always happy. How should we respond when we don’t feel “happily married?” What does the Bible say about the topic?
Marriage is hard. In fact, marriage is really hard. When two adults make the decision to join their lives together, they’re bringing all their preconceived notions, their personal baggage and a host of other issues that can make it difficult for two people to become one (Genesis 2:24).
One of the most common mistakes is found in the fact that we’re willing to walk away from marriage as soon as we don’t consider it “happy.” Happiness is fleeting. If you get a great parking spot at work, you may be happy when you walk in the door. However, if you’re boss yells at you for something from the day before, that happiness is short-lived. Does that mean you quit your job? Of course not!
In the same vein, marriage isn’t meant to be abandoned the first time things aren’t happy. If you don’t feel “happily married,” there are some things you should consider that may help you identify the cause of your unhappiness as you fight for the future of your marriage.
Before we proceed, understand that these tips will start with you examining yourself. Once you do so, have a conversation with your spouse about doing the same. Before you ask God to change your partner, ask God to change you.
Are You Holding Grudges?
Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as Christ forgave you.
Ask yourself if you’re holding any grudges toward your spouse. Let’s be honest, your spouse isn’t perfect. He or she probably has some habits that annoy you, and your partner may have even said some things that hurt you. It’s easy to hold grudges, even if your spouse has apologized for their behavior.
It’s also worth pointing out that you’re not perfect either. Bad habits, careless words and other hurtful behaviors have probably come from your end of the marriage, as well. If you have any hard feelings toward your spouse about something from the past, ask the Holy Spirit to help you release that grudge. Not only is it harmful for your own wellbeing, but it’s also poison for your marriage.
Are You Seeking Validation Elsewhere?
2 Timothy 1:7 (TPT)
For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love, and self-control.
If you find yourself seeking validation from someone who isn’t your spouse, you may be doing so out of fear. In fact, most of the married individuals who look outside of their marriage for validation and satisfaction, do so out of fear. They’re afraid that their spouse doesn’t really love them. They’re afraid that their spouse is no longer attracted to them, and they respond by looking elsewhere.
Is your marriage unhappy because you’ve started looking for validation, approval, kind words and even affection from someone else? If so, understand that doing so is not God’s design for marriage. When you and your spouse pledged your life to one another, you committed to only seeking your validation from one another. If you’re having “harmless” flirtatious conversations from someone who isn’t your spouse, put an end to it today. Letting it continue will only harm your marriage.
Are You and Your Spouse Isolated?
Proverbs 27:17 (TPT)
It takes a grinding wheel to sharpen a blade, and so one person sharpens the character of another.
Did you know it’s possible for you and your spouse to be alone together, and not in a good way? One of the keys to a successful marriage is spending one-on-one time with your spouse, but that doesn’t mean that the two of you should be totally isolated on your marital journey. In fact, God didn’t design any of us to be an island. In the Book of Proverbs, Solomon encouraged us to connect with other people who can sharpen us the way that an iron grinding wheel sharpens an iron blade.
No, you shouldn’t spend every waking moment with other couples, but it’s important that the two of you have other married couples in your circle of friends. Finding couples who are committed to one another and to Christ can help provide you with a Godly influence when things in your marriage get difficult. Isolating yourselves and deciding that you’ll handle your own marriage your own way can put you in a position to not reap the benefits of the experience of others.
Taking Responsibility
Ezra 10:4 (ESV)
Arise, for it is your task, and we are with you; be strong and do it.
Your marriage is your responsibility. Yes, your spouse is also responsible for the success of your marriage, but you can only do your part. What does that mean you need to do? Arise, for it is your task. You may have heard it said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. That’s faulty logic. Marriage is actually a 100/100 partnership. Both you and your spouse are responsible for giving everything you’ve got to your marriage.
Don’t’ be afraid to take responsibility for the things in your marriage that you need to work on. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you areas that you can be a better partner. Also, have hard conversations with your spouse about areas that you could improve on. This isn’t an opportunity for you and your spouse to tear one another down but having a hard conversation about areas where you’re lacking can give you the chance to take responsibility and improve the role that you play in your marriage.
You probably won’t always be happy in your marriage. However, happiness isn’t the ultimate goal. Happiness is a fleeting emotion that comes and goes depending on your circumstances. The important thing is that you don’t give up on your marriage the minute that you experience unhappiness. Your spouse wont’ always make you happy. He or she is human and is prone to make mistakes along the way. Conversely, you’re human too. That means that you probably won’t always be a source of happiness for your spouse. Both of you should commit to working through the times where everything isn’t happy in your marriage. Doing so puts you in a position to enjoy the long-term success of a lifelong union.
A Closing Prayer:
God, help me to be a better spouse. I know that You have joined my spouse and I together, and I believe that we have a larger purpose in Your kingdom. Show me areas that I can be a better partner and help me to follow through. Even when things don’t feel “happy,” help me to identify areas in which I can improve to restore joy to my home. In Christ’s name, Amen.