Two of the hardest concepts in this life are marriage and forgiveness. Marriage is hard, as two unique individuals come together to become one flesh and live their lives in unison. While the dating phase of a relationship, the wedding itself, and the honeymoon phase all make it seem like marriage is going to be easy, that’s rarely the case.
Once the wedding bells have stopped ringing and the honeymoon is over, real life sets in, and real life is hard. Suddenly, you’re dealing with money, household responsibilities, and every other facet of what a real marriage looks like. There’s no denying the fact that no matter how much you and your partner love each other, marriage is hard.
Another difficult concept that we must face is forgiveness. When we are hurt by someone, we have a natural tendency to hold onto that hurt. Often, this is because we’re scared of getting hurt again. Unfortunately, not extending forgiveness to others is in direct contradiction to what God expects of His people.
Finding it difficult to forgive is only amplified when we’re talking about forgiving our spouses. However, if you’re going to have a successful marriage, forgiveness is going to need to be one of the foundational principles that you build your relationship on.
Before we dive into today’s study on a forgiveness-based marriage, we should clear up a couple possible misconceptions. First of all, God’s mandate of forgiveness does not mean that you need to stay in an abusive relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you allow yourself to be physically, mentally, or emotionally abused. Also, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to stay with an unfaithful partner. When God calls us to forgive others, it doesn’t mean that He wants us to be doormats who allow ourselves to be walked all over.
Today, allow the Holy Spirit to show you some areas in your marriage where forgiveness isn’t flourishing. This study will include some difficult self-reflection. It’s also a good idea to involve your partner in this study, as he or she should also understand the importance of building a marriage on Godly forgiveness. When you do this, both of you will begin to extend the type of grace that God extends, and that He expects us to extend to others.
Moving Past the Hurt
Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Take a moment and think about the things that Paul talked about at the beginning of this passage. Bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, slander, and evil behavior are not the types of things that you want in your marriage. Unfortunately, when we don’t offer forgiveness to our spouses, those are the things that we’re inviting into our homes.
Instead of just viewing those things that Paul spoke of as words, picture them as building blocks. Every time that you hold onto bitterness, you lay a block in the wall that develops between you and your spouse. Each time that you respond with rage, anger, and harsh words, you begin stacking blocks on top of the first block. It doesn’t take long for a wall to take form, and soon, you are completely cut off from the person that you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with.
The methods of tearing down this wall are found in the second part of the passage that we just read. Kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness are the only things that can tear down the divisive walls that we so often erect between ourselves and our partners.
Get rid of the blocks that you are using to build the wall that exists in your marriage. Doing so before the wall becomes too large can be the difference in a successful marriage and one that becomes just another statistic.
A Commitment to Forgive
Matthew 18:21-22 (NLT)
Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”
In the Bible, seven is the number of perfection or completion. That’s why Peter specifically chose that number when he was asking about the opportunity to turn off forgiveness. Peter assumed that if someone did something that hurt him seven times, he would have a license to stop forgiving. Can you imagine his surprise when Jesus told him that he should forgive someone seventy times that often?!
It’s important to understand the heart behind Jesus’ words. This didn’t mean that Peter should allow someone to blatantly mistreat him 490 times. In fact, the number 490 wasn’t even part of the conversation. Instead, Jesus was talking about Peter releasing himself from the weight of bitterness that so often sets in when we’ve been hurt by someone in our lives.
What if you made the commitment to forgive your spouse every time they get it wrong? When you recognize that he or she is genuinely trying to be an active partner in your marriage, what if you looked past the little things that he or she is getting wrong?
The release of forgiveness in your marriage will immediately change the way that things have been going. Not only does this result in you not holding all of your spouse’s faults against them, but it will also make them more apt to forgive you.
Honesty and Forgiveness Go Together
1 John 1:9 (NLT)
Bit if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
In many cases, we fear not receiving forgiveness which leads to us hiding certain things from our spouses. These moments of dishonesty are damaging not only to our own wellbeing but are lethal for a marriage. Unfortunately, a lack of honesty in one area of our lives produces dishonesty in other areas.
Being honest with your spouse doesn’t only include acknowledging when we’ve done something wrong. Instead, it includes being honest about things that he or she has done that hurts us. Hiding your true feelings about something your partner has done in the name of avoiding a fight is an unhealthy approach to marriage.
Be honest with your spouse about the things that he or she has done that hurt you or annoy you. Even if it’s something minor, honesty in your marriage paves the way for forgiveness. For instance, if you find yourself annoyed at the fact that your husband never puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, let him know that. Perhaps he doesn’t know that it’s bothering you. Honesty can produce forgiveness.
Husbands, does it bother you when your wife constantly reminds you to do something that she’s asked you to do? If so, be honest with her about the way that it makes you feel. She may not even realize that she’s doing it. When you let her know that it bothers you and she apologizes, be ready to forgive her.
Forgiveness in a marriage is a vital part of building a relationship that lasts, but it’s hard to forgive people when they don’t know that they need forgiveness. Being open and honest in your communications with one another is a great way to ensure that bitterness isn’t finding a home in your home.
A Closing Prayer:
Heavenly Father, help me to be a more forgiving spouse. Instead of letting “little things” build up in my marriage, help me to be more open about the way that I’m feeling so my spouse and I can build a lasting marriage. I know that You want us to live beautiful, unified lives, and forgiveness is a huge part of that. In Christ’s name, Amen.