When you and your spouse started dating, everything was cute. The way that he yells at the TV during a sporting event was probably funny while the way that she rolls her eyes at all of your cheesy jokes was adorable. However, over the years those once endearing traits become annoying. When the relationship is fresh and new, we smile and say, “opposites attract.” However, over the years, those differences in behaviors can become a source of tension. In the most extreme cases, they result in a divorce. Those behavioral differences are why so many divorce filings cite “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the end of a marriage.
God’s design for marriage never included divorce. Now, that’s not to say that there are never instances where divorce isn’t the only viable option. However, it should not be the first choice for people who simply find themselves annoyed by something their spouse does. Instead of viewing the differences between you and your spouse as a source of contention, focus on celebrating those differences. Instead of becoming angry at the way that your spouse thinks and acts, look for ways that his or her behavior compliments your own personality. Celebrating your differences is an imperative part to a happy, successful marriage.
God’s View of Marriage
Most of the New Testament focuses on the birth of the early Church. God was so passionate about establishing the Church that He empowered the disciples with the ability to perform miracles while supernaturally protecting them from government leaders of the day. However, the Church was not the first institution that God created.
In the Book of Genesis, we read about how God created everything. Once He finished creating the sun, the moon, the stars, the oceans, grass and animals, He declared that it was “good.” The Bible says that He created Adam in His own image (Genesis 1:26), but He immediately declared that something was not good: the fact that Adam was alone.
Genesis 2:18 (ESV)
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him”
God immediately recognized the fact that it was not good for Adam to be by himself. The first institution that God created was marriage, not the Church. That provides our first look at how important God believes marriage is.
God created Adam a “helper” (some translations use the term “help mate”) that was fit for him. Think about that concept like two puzzle pieces. God didn’t create a female version of Adam. Instead, He created someone who would fit with Adam the way that two puzzle pieces fit together. They were designed to compliment one another. The things that Adam wasn’t particularly good at were the things that Eve excelled in. Conversely, the things that Eve struggled with were the things that Adam was good at. That’s the concept of being a helper that was “fit for him.”
Your spouse probably isn’t a version of you wrapped in a different looking package. Instead, he or she is probably good at the things that you’re not great at. Instead of letting your differences create friction, allow those differences to result in completion.
The Need for Unity
Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 (ESV)
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?
Humans have an innate need for connection with other humans. That’s why social media is such a staple in our society. Platforms like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram provide the opportunity for us to feel connected to all of our friends and followers at all times. A healthy marriage is all about achieving that intimate level of connection with the person that we have committed to spend the rest of our lives with.
Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived wrote about the importance of human connection in Ecclesiastes 4. Having someone who is constantly there for you is better than being by yourself. If you fall, your spouse can be there to “lift you up.” If you are cold, there is someone who can provide you some warmth. The importance of being unified with your spouse cannot be overstated.
Your spouse can be your greatest ally and your biggest cheerleader. All of us experience times where we “fall down.” Your spouse, who is wired differently than you are, can help you get back up from those falls. The importance of having another perspective to your situation is paramount. All of us view things through our own lens. Our personal feelings and past experiences shape the way that we view every situation in our lives. Your spouse, who has different feelings and experiences can provide a wonderful alternative view of the same situation. When those situations leave you feeling “cold,” these alternate outlooks can help provide warmth.
How to Handle Differences
Once you come to accept that you and your spouse are different, you have to figure out how to handle those differences. Instead of letting those differences in attitude and behavior become a source of contention that can slowly erode your marriage, there are steps you can take to use those differences as a resource in your marriage.
Celebrate Differences-This one is often the hardest one to put into practice. Many married couples get to the point of accepting their spouse’s differences without ever actually celebrating them. Celebrating your spouse’s differences starts with a change in your own personal perspective. Once you view their differences as an asset, begin to tell your spouse how much you appreciate their differences. For instance, if you’re an extrovert who likes to “act first and think later,” thank your spouse for taking a more analytical approach to decision making.
Rely on Differences-The differences between you and your spouse are not a liability in your marriage; they are a wonderful tool. God put you and your spouse together to compliment one another. Instead of trying to do things your own way in an effort to establish that your way is right, learn to rely on the things that your spouse does differently than you. If they are more mathematically minded than you, rely on the way that they can balance your household budget. Instead of viewing their way of thinking as a means of controlling your spending, recognize that they provide a skillset that can help keep your household operating smoothly.
Embrace the Differences-Your spouse’s behaviors and thought processes may annoy you at times. Guess what? Your behaviors and thought processes probably annoy them too! Try as we may, none of us are the “perfect spouse.” Instead of complaining about your spouse’s differences to them, your friends and family, embrace those differences. Instead of viewing them as an annoyance, let them remind you of why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place.
Ideally, you and your spouse both approached your marriage prayerfully. Even if you didn’t, you probably believe that God put the two of you together for your own benefits and to further His Kingdom on Earth. As people of faith, you should recognize that God knew exactly what He was doing when He put you and your spouse together. He knew your differences and still chose to bring the two of you together.
A Closing Prayer:
God, I thank You for my spouse. I realize that over the years, I have started to view our differences as a problem when You created us and our differences for a purpose. Help me to change the way that I see my spouse and the differences between us. Instead of viewing them as something that needs to be fought about, help me to view those differences as a resource that can strengthen our marriage. Your Word teaches me that as part of Your Church I am a part of the Bride of Christ. You love Your Bride perfectly and completely. Help me to love my spouse in the same way. Instead of focusing on our differences, help me to focus on the way that my spouse completes me. In Christ’s name I pray, Amen.