There is no way to completely remove disagreements from your marriage. You and your spouse, no matter how many things you have in common, are two different people who have your own personalities, thoughts, and ideas. This leads to friction that will never be completely removed from any marriage. A lack of fighting is not a sign of a healthy marriage. Instead, being committed to fighting fair is the earmark of a healthy relationship.
How often do you and your spouse disagree? Don’t be afraid to answer that question honestly. Disagreements are a natural part of any human relationship. After all, while the Bible does teach us that when we marry our spouse, we become one flesh (Genesis 2:24), your marriage is still made up of two people who have two different thought patterns, histories, and behaviors. It is only natural that there is some level of friction, as two people becoming one is not a natural process. Having disagreements with your spouse is not a sign of an unhealthy marriage. However, the way that you manage those disagreements can make your marriage a battleground instead of a place of harmony.
While disagreements are a natural part of marriage, God does not want your marriage to turn into a contentious relationship that is filled with anger, bitterness, and other ungodly thoughts. Instead, He wants you and your spouse to understand how to convey your feelings and disagreements in a way that builds a better foundation for your marriage.
There are ways that you can fight fair with your spouse. When you commit to searching out those ways and applying them to your marriage, you and your spouse can start having productive discussions, even about tops that you don’t see eye to eye on.
The Power of Priorities
Romans 14:19 (TPT)
So then, make it your top priority to live a life of peace with harmony in your relationships, eagerly seeking to strengthen and encourage one another.
What is your top priority in your marriage. If the answer to that question is “control,” you have a serious problem. The weird thing about fighting for control in a marriage is that while everyone wants it, using it in your marriage could easily result in a divorce. As humans, we have a natural tendency to want to find some sort of control, but that’s not God’s design for our marriages. Instead, He wants our top priority to be to “live a life of peace with harmony in our relationships.”
There is no way for you to look for opportunities to seize control while promoting a life of peace and harmony in your marriage. The two things simply can’t coexist. If you’re fighting for control, you can’t possibly be fighting for peace.
When you and your spouse disagree on a topic, what is your goal for the disagreement? If you’re simply wanting to make your spouse conform to your way of thinking, you’re fighting for control. Instead, view disagreements as a way to better understand your partner. Doing so not only allows you to be a better spouse, but it may help you to understand that your way of thinking isn’t the best one.
Phase one of fighting fair is to change what you’re fighting for. Don’t fight for control or the satisfaction of your spouse saying that you are right. Instead, fight to understand where your partner is coming from and try to build your relationship on that.
Changing Your Definition of “Fair”
Ephesians 4:31-32 (TPT)
Lay aside bitter words, temper tantrums, revenge, profanity, and insults. But instead be kind and affectionate toward one another. Has God graciously forgiven you? Then graciously forgive one another in the depths of Christ’s love.
When you were growing up, did your parents ever tell you to “play fair?” It’s a great moral lesson for kids, especially when we’re teaching them how to play with other children, but it’s actually a terrible way to approach your marriage. Playing fair teaches us that we repay good with good and bad with bad. If you have a child playing sports and someone does something to them, we often encourage them to respond in kind. Why? Because fair is fair.
When you allow that concept to bleed into your marriage, you are setting yourself up for a disaster. Applying our childhood version of fairness to marriage allows us to tell our spouse, “As long as you treat me the way I want you to, I’ll return the favor. But, if you cross me, I’ll get even with you.” That’s not a recipe for a healthy marriage!
God does not approach His relationship with us from a place of fairness. If He did, we would be in considerable trouble. Relationships only thrive when we put aside what we believe someone deserves and respond by giving them what they need. Your spouse doesn’t need you to look for ways to get even. That’s why Paul said that we should put aside bitter words, temper tantrums, revenge, profanity, and insults.
If any of those things are a part of your fighting strategy, it’s time for you to make a change. While we’re talking about fighting fair, it’s important to understand what that really means. God’s idea of fairness, which we need to adopt as our own idea of fairness, isn’t about what someone deserves. Instead, it teaches us to give our spouse what they need.
Be the Change
Matthew 7:3-5 (TPT)
Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else’s life and yet fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? How could you say to your friend, ‘Let me show you where you’re wrong,’ when you’re guilty of even more? You’re being hypercritical and a hypocrite! First acknowledge your own ‘blind spots’ and deal with them, and then you’ll be capable of dealing with the ‘blind spot’ of your friend.
What if we told you that the key to fighting fair was to stop focusing on what you want your spouse to change and focused on what you need to change within yourself? When you’re dealing with conflict within your marriage, it’s easy to approach things as a “right fighter.” Right fighters are people who believe that they do nothing wrong and the only person who needs to change is the person who disagrees with them. If that’s your approach to disagreement in your marriage, your first change needs to start internally.
Your spouse is not a perfect person. When you were dating or engaged, some of their quirks may have been cute to you. However, now that you’re having to deal with those quirks all day every day, they don’t seem nearly as cute. Perhaps her insistence on telling you what to do was cute when you were dating. Maybe his disorganized habits were endearing in the past. Now that you’re married, those traits not only stopped being cute, but they’re also downright obnoxious!
However, instead of focusing on your spouse’s imperfections, spend some time considering your own. You may be able to sit down and make a huge list of things you wish your spouse would change. However, they could probably make the same list about you. Don’t become so focused on the things that you believe your spouse needs to change that you lose sight of the changes you need to make in your own life.
Approach conflict in your marriage from a place of self-reflection. Instead of confronting your spouse with all the things that you want him or her to change, consider asking your partner about what changes they would like to see in you. Until you’re able to identify and work to repair the issues in your own life, you can’t worry about the things in your partner’s life. According to Christ, it makes you hypercritical and hypocritical.
A Closing Prayer:
Heavenly Father, help me to change the way that I handle conflict in my marriage. Help me to identify the areas in my life that need to change. Remind me of the forgiveness that I have received so I can extend it to my partner. Finally, help me to put away angry, hateful words. In Christ’s name, Amen.