Marriage is hard. No matter how madly in love you are with your spouse, it can be difficult to get to the point where two people are living life as “one flesh” as ordered by Scripture. When you and your spouse make the decision to enter into a lifelong commitment, it’s important that you continue to nurture and grow that relationship over time. God’s ultimate design is a lifelong union between partners, but that union requires constant work. There are some steps you can take to ensure that you have an extraordinary marriage.
Pick Your Spouse Prayerfully
The first step to having a Godly marriage takes place long before you ever pick the minister, book the church and plan the reception. In fact, it takes place long before you ever meet the person that you’re going to share your vows with.
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (TPT)
Don’t continue to team up with unbelievers in mismatched alliances, for what partnership is there between righteousness and rebellion? Who could mingle light with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and Satan? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
This is a tough verse to tackle, but Paul’s instructions to the Corinthian church is very clear. God’s plan for His people is to marry other believers. Long before you start planning the wedding, you should start planning for the marriage. Ask God to prepare the perfect mate for you and to keep them. When you start looking for a potential spouse, the best course to take is to look for other believers.
There’s nothing wrong with having particular traits that you look for in a potential spouse. It’s certainly important that you and the person you marry have some common interests and things in common, but finding someone who is a believer in Christ should be at the top of the list.
If you are already married to an unbeliever, this verse certainly doesn’t mean that you should end your marriage. God’s plan for your marriage doesn’t include divorce. Instead, you should pray that God would deal with your unsaved spouse so that he or she recognizes their need for a Savior. Additionally, you should live your life in a way that shows your partner the love of Christ. Paul also said this:
1 Corinthians 7:16 (TPT)
And wives, for all you know you could one day lead your husband to salvation. Or husbands, how do you know for sure that you could not one day lead your wife to salvation?
Ideally, God’s children would marry other believers. But if that’s not the case, we are called to try to lead our unbelieving spouses into a relationship with Christ.
Date Your Spouse
There are no Bible verses about the need to have date nights with your spouse, but Christian marriage counselors often point to the importance of spending time alone with your partner when trying to build a healthy marriage. It’s easy to take a look at your busy schedules and decide that you don’t have time, but it’s a crucial part of having an extraordinary marriage.
Date nights don’t have to be elaborate events that takes up three to four hours at a five-star restaurant. Depending on the commitments that you have in your life, it may look like some microwave popcorn and a Netflix movie after the kids are in bed on a Friday night. You may not have the time or the financial means to spend a weekend in a romantic resort, but maybe you can convince Grandma to host a sleepover on a Saturday night once a month.
The success of date night doesn’t hinge on how expensive the date is. It has very little to do with where you go or what you do. Instead, date night matters because it gives you a chance to reconnect with your spouse. You dated the person you’re married to before the wedding. The time that you spend watching movies, eating dinner, laughing and loving played a major role in your decision to say, “I do.” Just because you’re married now doesn’t mean that the dating has to end. It may look different, but dating your mate is an important part of building an extraordinary marriage.
What God Says About Sex
It’s an uncomfortable topic to tackle, but God’s Word doesn’t shy away from the role that sex plays in a healthy marriage. In some of the same verses that we referenced earlier, Paul talks about the importance of a healthy sexy life in marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (TPT)
A husband has the responsibility of meeting the sexual needs of his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. Neither the husband nor the wife have exclusive rights to their own bodies, but those eights are to be surrendered to the other. So don’t continue to refuse your spouse those rights, except perhaps by mutual agreement for a specified time so that you can both be devoted to prayer. And then you should resume your physical pleasure so that the Adversary cannot take advantage of you because of the desires of your body.
Whoa! That’s a lot to unpack. First of all, let’s clear up any potential misconceptions. These verses do not give either partner the right to demand or to force an unwilling partner to participate in sex. When Paul discusses the fact that neither partner has “exclusive rights” to their own body, he is speaking to the fact that both partners are expected to love their spouse more than they love themselves, which creates the desire to meet the desires of their partner. Husbands are expected to satisfy their wives sexual desires, and wives are expected to do the same for their husbands. However, that doesn’t mean that both partners don’t reserve the right to say, “no.”
Paul’s command here speaks to the importance of not using sex as a weapon in your marriage. Neither spouse should refuse to sleep with the other as a way to manipulate them into certain behaviors. Instead, the only time that sex should be withheld for a period of time is if both partners agree and they are entering a time of prayer and fasting together. Paul encourages these times to be short and then tells both partners to go back to their normal sexual activity. This ensures that the Adversary (Satan) doesn’t gain a foothold to tempt either partner to find satisfaction elsewhere.
Controlling Your Temper
Ephesians 4:26 (TPT)
But don’t let the passion of your emotions lead you to sin! Don’t let anger control you or be fuel for revenge, not even for a day.
Your spouse isn’t perfect. Maybe it’s the way that he throws his dirty socks on the floor beside the hamper that annoys you. Or perhaps it’s the way that she will not put her dirty coffee cup back in the sink when she’s done that tests your limits. No matter what the source of contention is, the fact remains that your spouse isn’t perfect. Guess what? You’re not either. There are probably some little things that your spouse does that bother you, but you’ve probably got your own list of transgressions that annoy your spouse. The important thing is that you keep your anger in check and don’t lash out in an emotional moment of frustration.
There is no Bible verse that tells you not to get angry at your spouse. Anger is a natural human emotion, and it’s just as natural to experience anger and frustration as it is to experience any other emotion. However, to have a Godly marriage, it’s important that you resolve those issues quickly. Identify what has angered you and have a calm, rational conversation with your partner about it. Don’t let your anger be your fuel for revenge, not even for one day.
A Closing Prayer
God, thank You for my spouse. Thank You for handpicking someone that You knew would be perfect for me. God, help me to be a better example of Your love for my partner. Strengthen our marriage and give us a greater love for one another and a greater love for You. Help us to seek Your will for this union every day so we can be the couple that You have called us to be. In Christ’s name, Amen!